Today, I found that some people very close to me have been less than honest - with me and themselves.
In response, I've ranged the low-end of the emotional spectrum - hurt, betrayed, and forsaken have all crossed my chest. Tears have stung my eyes all day.
I've come to realize that I am hurt because of my own trust in these people. Trust is an illusion, fabricated in our hearts like a fragile glass sculpture. With enough time and openness, we create elaborate works of art which grab the light and dazzle the eyes.
But this is all an internal fabrication, not a real thing. We surround ourselves with illusions every day. Safety, security, trustworthiness, faith, and ideals build the framework of most of us. They are the flying buttresses which we use to prop-up our lives, yet each of them is more empty than the air we breathe. Constructs of the mind, devoid of substance and powerful stabilizers... provided we can maintain them.
I'm reminded of all this in a very hurtful way. When the illusions shatter, shards pierce the soul as if it were flesh, rending the spirit. More hurtful than knives, and potentially more scaring on the person than ripping of skin and bone. It is painful and sad, but only because I let it be.
One manager of mine told me that life is a game of expectations. Building trust is constructing a huge set of expectations, an emotional reservoir waiting to burst.
Another boss of mine tells me the story of Al Ma'mun and his golden ring.
Al Ma'mun asked his wise advisors to present him with an object.
'When I look at it if I am sad, it should make me happy. If I look at it when I am happy, it should make me sad.'
The advisors thought about it for some time, and presented him with a golden ring. On the ring was this inscription:
'This too shall come to pass'
When Al Ma'mun was sad, he would look at the ring and know his sadness was temporary, and this would lift his spirits.
Yet when he was happy, he would glance at the ring and be reminded that his happiness was fleeting.
Riding home in the cool night air of an open auto, I too know that this will come to pass. I try and let my feelings go into time and space, but only tears come.
Maybe with a bit more time, this too will pass.
The constructs of trust that we as individuals create are indeed illusions, for we do not build them at all or rather we do not build them by ourselves. They are sculptures created by couples and families; they are intangible entities that take on a life of their own. As sculptures with life, they start immature and grow, they can be fragile and sometimes fall and need to be mended and have an innate ability to heal, and they always require nurturing.
ReplyDeleteBuilt as homes for our vulnerabilities, sometimes they may require a flying buttress to shore up a potential weakness but, they will always, always, need tending. We can become dazzled by the pretty and we can fall to the enticement of searching for something that we already have. The danger lies in not maintaining the house and then being surprised by its decline.
They are bridges built between this place and that, between ourselves and another. If one builds a bridge from one side only, then one is likely to become all wet when trying to cross the tumultuous stream of life. Likewise, if one builds a bridge with another and does not tend it, reassuring it with the mortar of caring and replacing defects with stones of love, then one is just as likely to have a difficult time in their travels.
These homes and bridges have a name and they are called relationships. Relationships are the air that we breathe, full of life providing substance that we do not see but need none the less. A necessary part of our lives and we are the richer for them.